It’s new year’s eve and as usual, nothing has gone as we hoped it would. We’ve all been hit by a wave of illnesses that has swept us off our feet. And so we’re sitting here, in pajamas, after having some takeout. And truth be told, I’ll likely be asleep in a couple of hours as my body continues to heal after three years of not having had anything to deal with.
But very much as usual, I’ve also been thinking about my word of the year. 2022 felt…gelatinous. I felt like trying to wade through the mire I couldn’t see clearly through. My motions felt slow, but I felt out of breath at the same time. Sitting down made me dizzy in any case.
In the perpetual motion of the year, life became very cyclical. Our son continues to grow and do things that both delight and frustrate us (truly how many crackers can one person throw on the ground). Life is a never-ending cycle of bedtimes, snacktimes, work, miscommunications, hurried dinners and Jeopardy before bed. It was only when I revisited an old picture recently that I realized that something had changed. The woman staring back at me reflected light; she was smiling through whatever might be her own personal problems. She carried herself different. Something had changed, perhaps something been lost. Me.
In this season of life I’m an instagram bio: Wife, mother, daughter, sister, leader. I’m many things to many people. My proverbial plate is full. And my greatest desire right now is to be myself. This year has required an identity overhaul that has necessitated that I fit into the fulfil these roles. And somewhere in there, the joy and deep well of knowing, the signal that brings me back to myself has been muffled.
So I’m dedicating this year to reconnecting - both with myself and with my community. I’m committing to do one thing for myself a week that isn’t about anyone else, no matter how small. This isn’t a resolution so much as a calling in to myself again. I want to go back to this year many years for now and see myself again - with that deep sense of knowing that I knew before now.
I think a part of calling myself back is also reconnecting with the wonderful people in whose orbit I’m so lucky to be. While I’ve got an army of new mom friends, I’ve got an equally powerful contingent of friends who have been with me for a long time - parent or not. And part of connecting with them is that they remind me who I am. As an introvert, I love spending time by myself - I’m my own richest source of connect. But a bell doesn’t ring itself. I’ve been lucky to make so many new friends this year from other experiences and I’m looking forward to letting some of my latent connections regrow this year.
We sometimes need to contract a little bit until we figure a few things out before we expand again. Things require effort and energy and often, we don’t have infinite amounts of either. But well-placed and well-intentioned, that effort reaps rewards for everyone involved. So it is with gratitude for this contraction that I enter into the next phase of this season.
I hope 2023 gives you the space you need to reconnect with what you’d like.